My fear unleashed

After a couple of weeks of going back and forth with the Embassy and our agency trying to get a hold of the nurse who talked with Kena's mom in the hospital (non-working phone numbers mostly), I woke up this morning to another e-mail.  The e-mail was from our agency asking the Embassy to call the nurse during a specific time today (this time had already passed since they are 7 hrs ahead) to hopefully and finally get a hold of this nurse who will confirm that Kena is an orphan.  Now we wait to see if they got what they needed and if we are cleared.

First, I have something to admit and need to be completely honest about.  I watch mom after mom through blogs and on our organization's facebook page anxiously wait the news that they have been cleared for Embassy.  Some of these women spend many sleepless nights getting up to check e-mails, continuously check with the Embassy, etc. because they are dying to go pick up their child.  This is not me, I've always been one to say, when it's time, it's time, there is nothing I can do about it.  Probably describes how non-emotional I can be.  Don't get me wrong, I am SO ready to get Kena and bring her home, but I am also terrified.  I always seem to expect the worst when big things are about to happen and this situation is no different.  I know in my heart this is what God has called us to do and I fell in love with her first picture and then in Ethiopia, but am I ready for what is about to happen when we officially bring her home?  After reading books, then hearing about many other family experiences, taking online courses to help prepare us, I expect anything and everything to happen.  Like will she cry non-stop because this is her 4th transition and she just doesn't want to do it anymore?  Will she throw fit after fit on the plane ride home only letting me hold her because she is afraid of men since only women have nurtured her in the past?  How will she respond to her siblings?  Will she terrorize them to no end and they hate us for what we decided to do?  Will she destroy our house not having had such "luxuries" in the orphanages?  Probably yes to all of these, but that is out of my control.

Then it occurred to me that this fear was sin.  That I forgot that the God who called me to this will be the same God that will equip me for whatever may happen and walk with me every step of the way.  Yes there will be long days, tearful, painful hard days, but there will also be ones that will make it all worthwhile (I hope).  I think any mom can agree, biological, adopted, it doesn't matter, raising children and being a parent is just plain hard.  Especially without the help of the one who created and designed each one of us.  In my devotional yesterday I was given the verse John 14:27 - "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." Then it went on to say, "He will be a gracious blessing of peace exhibited in and through you. But if you only try to worry your way out of the problem, you destroy His effectiveness in you, and you deserve whatever you get."   

So, I am confessing this fear before all of you, laying it out for Him so that I can make room to experience only the peace He can give.  Hebrews 12:2 - "Fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God."  Coincidence that I was finally able to give those concerns and remember to fix my eyes on Him and receive that e-mail this morning?  Maybe, who knows.  I know this is not just a once and done type of prayer, but will be a continual prayer for life.  Will you pray for us to acknowledge our concerns and be able to continually lay them before Him?  To be able to ask for help when I need it and not think I can do this on my own. To hold me accountable and ask me what my eyes are fixed on?  We would greatly appreciate it.

I still expect the worst, but now I feel ready and truly excited to go get her and continue our lives with her.  Hopefully the next post will be about that long awaited for day.